“Swoon” Show Notes: Episode #120 How to Date an Avoidant Attached Partner

Jeff Guenther, LPC on Jul 04, 2021 in Swoon

This week Jef Guenther, LPC from TherapyDen joins Julie and Gina to talk about attachment styles and dating, specifically how to date someone with an avoidant or distant attachment style.

If you have a question you want to be addressed on a future episode, leave us a voicemail at 971-202-0969.

This episode covers:

  • What are the four attachment styles? And what do they have to do with your dating life?
  • What are the most common issues that come up when dating an avoidant attached partner?
  • How can you deal with your own anxiety when someone is reacting by stepping away?
  • How can we shift the dynamics of attachment in our partnership?

                                Memorable quotes

                                “If you have a specific attachment style it doesn't mean you can't find meaningful love and relationship, it just means you need to be aware and intentional in your choices."

                                "I'm not doomed by my attachment patterns, I just need to know what to do about it."

                                "This is a love letter to anyone who is dating an avoidant attached partner."

                                "Is this a pattern I can change?"

                                "Independence and autonomy are not a bad thing. A non-committal partnership can be."

                                "How do you get your needs met in this relationship when your partner pulls away?"

                                "Avoidants can sometimes be in the room with you but it doesn't feel like they're really there."

                                "Hey avoidant buddy, can you connect with all these feelings?"

                                "Struggling with substance use or depression can amplify the sense that we are distant from a partner."

                                "I think the stereotype is they're too cool to connect when actually it's fear."

                                "I feel like she's going to physically hurt me if I trust her because it's happened before."

                                "It's not that they don't want to connect it's that it's terrifying to connect."

                                "How can you make it easier to be open or vulnerable? Because you can't really force vulnerability and openness."

                                "Sometimes the avoidant attached person can be completely available for your stuff but can't identify their own needs or emotions because that vulnerability is dangerous to them."

                                "Many avoidant attached folks have trust issues because they have had trust broken in the past."

                                Resources from the Podcast

                                Swoon Podcast Attachment Episode

                                Wired for Love, Stan Tatkin

                                Attached, Amir Levine

                                Polysecure, Jessica Fern

                                Love More Fight Less, Communication Workbook for All Couples, Gina Senarighi

                                Action Steps

                                Leave a question on our voicemail if there's something specific you want to learn more about - then we can address it on a future show: 971-202-0869!

                                Looking for intimacy coaching? Connect with Gina

                                Looking for a therapist in Oregon? Connect with Julie

                                Looking for other therapeutic support? Check out TherapyDen

                                Get support

                                Join Julie and Gina for the Best Sex of Your Life in 2021

                                Love More Fight Less: A Relationship Workbook, Gina Senarighi

                                Your Swoon hosts

                                Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sexuality counselor and communication consultant specializing in healthy boundaries, passionate relationships, jealousy, and infidelity. She supports non-traditional couples all over the world as a retreat leader and certified relationship coach.
                                Connect with Gina

                                Julie Jeske, LPC is a sex and relationship counselor. She has a private practice where she helps clients increase intimacy, ignite passion and deepen their connection to themselves and others. Julie especially loves to help women discover who they are sexually. Through counseling, online classes, or in-person retreats; her clients learn how to talk about their sexual and relationship desires, and explore ways to make them a reality.
                                Connect with Julie

                                Jeff Guenther is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Ashville, NC.

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