“Swoon” Show Notes: Episode #16 – You Can't Hurry Love: Dating in Real Life

Jeff Guenther, MS, LPC on Jun 30, 2019 in Swoon

We've received so many questions about dating in real life we decided to start with a dating overview so you have tools to navigate the most common stressors people face in the dating world. Listen in to stay grounded while you look for connection.

This episode covers:

  • How to avoid making the same dating mistakes over and over again
  • How to navigate the feelings of scarcity and insecurity that come up when you're putting yourself out there
  • How to incorporate feedback from your friends and supporters while you're dating
  • How do you manage the anxiety of dating and savor the excitement at the same time

    Quotes from the episode

    "For every person out there, there's a unique way to date, really. Right? Every one of us goes about this somewhat differently and at the same time, we're operating in a culture where there are some norms about how we meet or make invitations or what's expected that we don't always break apart... let's break down how much of this is story and how much of this is what I actually want?"

    "So often we put our expectations on another person and the more we can stay connected to ourselves and what we truly want the more we can find it."

    "We have to learn to sit with the disappointment of not having something that we want. And in our current culture, we get what we want relatively quickly(if we have some level of privilege)... we're so used to things happening really quickly. So if we're specific about what we want there's a smaller pool to choose from and you'll have to learn to manage your own anxiety about being alone- which doesn't mean you have to be lonely."

    "Sometimes we are pulled towards things that aren't good for us because it lights up part of our brain... Sometimes what's familiar isn't necessarily what's good for us."

    "More dating means more breakups or more awkward moments... thinking ahead about how to manage disappointment can give me a sense of 'I will get through this.'"

                              Resources Shared in This Episode

                              Deeper Dating - Ken Page

                              The Desire Map - Danielle LaPorte

                              Wired for Dating - Stan Tatkin

                              Action Steps from the Podcast

                              We've included a few reflection questions to ask yourself about dating:

                              • How do I want to feel in this experience?
                              • What do I want to learn from dating?
                              • What am I looking for? (get specific)
                              • What are the indicators that my life is in balance?
                              • How do I know when this is working for me?

                              Your Dream Partner exercise from Deeper Dating
                              1. What is your ideal partner's appearance?
                              2. Where or how do you think you are most likely to meet your ideal partner?
                              3. What is your ideal partner's main personality traits?
                              4. What is your ideal partner's prior relationship history?
                              5. What is your ideal partner's financial status? Occupation? Hobbies? Interest?
                              6. How would your ideal partner treat you? Treat others?
                              7. How much time would it take after meeting your ideal partner for your first kiss? Sleeping together? Living together? Engagement? Marriage? Children?
                              8. What would your ideal partner say or do first thing in the morning?
                              9. What would your ideal partner give you on your next birthday?
                              10. How would your ideal partner react if the two of you had a disagreement?

                                Your Swoon hosts

                                Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sexuality counselor and communication consultant specializing in healthy boundaries, passionate relationships, jealousy, and infidelity. She supports non-traditional couples all over the world as a retreat leader and certified relationship coach.
                                Connect with Gina

                                Julie Jeske, LPC is a sex and relationship counselor. She has a private practice where she helps clients increase intimacy, ignite passion and deepen their connection to themselves and others. Julie especially loves to help women discover who they are sexually. Through counseling, online classes, or in-person retreats; her clients learn how to talk about their sexual and relationship desires, and explore ways to make them a reality.
                                Connect with Julie

                                Jeff Guenther is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Portland, OR.

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