“Swoon” Show Notes: Episode #35 – I Want Your Sex – How to Be a Better Lover
Jeff Guenther, MS, LPC on Nov 10, 2019 in Swoon
The first step to being a better lover is being interested in becoming a better lover. This week Gina and Julie walk you through the things they wish people knew about being a better lover with their partners.
This episode covers:
- How to define or measure being good at sex
- How to know when you’re improving your sexual performance
- How to know if you need to communicate more during sex
- The importance of setting ego aside to be a better lover
- How to tune into the other person’s experience and get out of the Olympics of Sex
- Why knowing the purpose of sex in a context is important to better lovin’
Memorable Quotes
“The more we’re focused on ‘should’ the less we’re really present.”
“If we’re too focused on performance the other person feels disconnected. You’re so focused on cumming or not cumming that you don’t feel present”
“Stories about not enough or too much is a great indicator that judgment is present... and it’s really hard to be vulnerable when we’re in a space with judgment.”
“If when you say no it’s a huge ego blow it’s going to be hard to be a better lover.”
“Curiosity and resilience are two ingredients for delicious sex.”
“Go have sex with yourself if you want to already know all the answers.”
“Mastery is knowing what you don’t know and how to have the humility to look for resources and information in the areas that you don’t.”
“If you want to be a master of sex you have to be in a place of curiosity… and trusting the other person is the expert on their experience – you’re not.”
“Often what we think we want during sex is different than what they’re pursuing.”
“I have the resilience and emotional intelligence to know that if you don’t want something it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.”
“You’re never too old for some sex education.”
“Instead of using sex for athletic pursuits… the Olympics of sex is not about the connection or the pleasure.”
Resouces from the Podcast
The Body is a Wonderland Swoon Podcast Episode
Sex Education Swoon Podcast Episode
Books
Sexual Intelligence from Marty Klein
Come As You Are - Emily Nagoski
What Makes a Baby - Cory Silverberg
Becoming Cliterate - Laurie Mintz
The Whole Lesbian Sex Book - Felice Newman
The Guide to Getting it On - Paul Joannides
Websites
Planned Parenthood Sexual Health Information
Workshops
Center for Sex Positive Culture
Action Steps
Ask yourself:
· Where can you use more education, skill, information related to sex?
· Where can you strengthen your ability: the emotional connection, the skills, or body awareness as a lover?
· Where can you build confidence without focusing on the performative aspect of the sexual experience?
Your Swoon hosts
Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sexuality counselor and communication consultant specializing in healthy boundaries, passionate relationships, jealousy, and infidelity. She supports non-traditional couples all over the world as a retreat leader and certified relationship coach.
Connect with Gina
Julie Jeske, LPC is a sex and relationship counselor. She has a private practice where she helps clients increase intimacy, ignite passion and deepen their connection to themselves and others. Julie especially loves to help women discover who they are sexually. Through counseling, online classes, or in-person retreats; her clients learn how to talk about their sexual and relationship desires, and explore ways to make them a reality.
Connect with Julie
