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Are you worried about being needy? Or maybe you have a hard time asking for what you want and secretly wish your partner could read your mind. Today Gina and Julie discuss listener questions about the difference between having needs and being needy, and how to ask for what you want without being passive aggressive or nagging.

This episode covers:

• The difference between being needy and having needs
• How to ask for what you want (without being passive aggressive or demanding)
• How to identify your needs
• How to talk about the underlying themes or meanings when you make a request
• The importance of being responsive to your partner's needs
• Under every complaint there is an unmet need – Gottman
• The cost of unmet needs
• The vulnerability in asking for what we want

Memorable quote:

“I hear from a lot of people who don't want to be perceived as needy. They don't want to be a nag and don't want to be needy and because of that they often subvert their own wants and needs. Or they want someone who will know what their needs are without saying them and that will make them feel more seen or more valued or more loved.”

“It is OK to have needs! It's OK to have needs in your relationship. As human beings we have needs.”

“Having needs doesn't make you needy.”

“Asking and demanding are two different things.”

“It's OK to ask things of a partner, because that's part of partnership. Otherwise you could just be single.”

“It's your responsibility if you are going to choose to be in partnership with me, to be responsive to my needs.”

“When we ask for something, we give people the opportunity to give to us. And that feels good for them too. There is value in being able to please someone we care about.”

“Ican't tell you how many times we talk about doing dishes in my office – But It's never about the dishes – it's often about helpfulness, showing up for each other, showing support, or order or efficiency.”

“In relationship, there is something beautiful about showing up for each other. I want to know what your wants and needs are. I may not be able to meet every one, but I want to know what they are.”

“The best way to get what you want and need is to ask for it.”

Resouces from the Podcast

Action Steps

Draw 3 columns on a piece of paper

In the 1^stcolumn – write all the thoughts or judgments going through my mind

In the 2^ndcolumn – write the feeling that is attached to that thought

In the 3^rdcolumn – look at the list of needs and in the this column I list the unmet need

Then you can ask your partner for something or bring up a conversation with your partner based on the need.

Your Swoon hosts

Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sexuality counselor and communication consultant specializing in healthy boundaries, passionate relationships, jealousy, and infidelity. She supports non-traditional couples all over the world as a retreat leader and certified relationship coach.
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Julie Jeske, LPC is a sex and relationship counselor. She has a private practice where she helps clients increase intimacy, ignite passion and deepen their connection to themselves and others. Julie especially loves to help women discover who they are sexually. Through counseling, online classes, or in-person retreats; her clients learn how to talk about their sexual and relationship desires, and explore ways to make them a reality.
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Jeff Guenther is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Portland, OR.
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