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For many couples initiating sex and foreplay is a loaded issue. We get locked into roles of initiator and receiver and can build huge resentment stories about the patterns we've fallen into over time- and it can feel impossible to break free.

In this week's episode, Gina and Julie share thoughts on how to shift those patterns and get things started with ease.

This episode covers:

• Why initiating sex is so hard for so many people
• How to understand bids for attention- and respond in ways that support connection
• How to think about your patterns in new ways
• How initiation clarity applies to partners who have experienced trauma
• How to get clear about what you need and want in the bedroom

Quotes from the episode

"In lots of relationships, we get stuck in patterns where you're always the one to initiate, I'm never the one to initiate, you're always feeling rejected, I'm never feeling wanted. No matter how we organize those roles we're polarized and disconnected."

"It is a vulnerable act to be like, 'Hey, I want to experience this. Do you want to experience it with me?"

"Having more practices around how we want to want to initiate, or can initiate, can't initiate, and how we want to be initiated with will create less room for miscommunication, missed connection or disappointment when we want to connect sexually."

Resources Shared in This Episode

Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids - The Gottman Institute

Action Steps from the Podcast

Talk about what initiation looks like for you. Tell your partner your favorite ways to be seduced or invited to erotic play. Talk about your barriers to initiation. Ask the following:

• How would you like your partner to initiate sex with you?
• Is there a form of initiation that would work best for you?
• What's the easiest way for you to initiate?
• What makes initiation hard for you?
• How will I know the difference between initiation and flirtation in this partnership?
• What gives you a green light or red light around initiation?
• What are the ways you could be deliciously engaged sexually?
• What makes you feel aroused?
• What makes you swoon?

Then make a plan for sexual connection. Commit to a time to initiate and share sexual energy to break up your default patterns and create space for something new.

Your Swoon hosts

Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sexuality counselor and communication consultant specializing in healthy boundaries, passionate relationships, jealousy, and infidelity. She supports non-traditional couples all over the world as a retreat leader and certified relationship coach.
Connect with Gina

Julie Jeske, LPC is a sex and relationship counselor. She has a private practice where she helps clients increase intimacy, ignite passion and deepen their connection to themselves and others. Julie especially loves to help women discover who they are sexually. Through counseling, online classes, or in-person retreats; her clients learn how to talk about their sexual and relationship desires, and explore ways to make them a reality.
Connect with Julie

Jeff Guenther is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Portland, OR.
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