Has trust ever been an issue in your relationships? Join Gina and Julie this week to talk through the finer points of building, repairing, and nourishing trust in your intimate relationships.
On addiction in families and trust-
“If you grew up in a family where there is addiction you learn not to trust your own intuition because you're like 'there's something off here' and all the adults around you are like 'no, everything is fine. There's no problem.' So then it's like, I don't trust myself necessarily, so it's hard for me to show up and trust another person."
On reliability in relationships and trust -
"A lot of this is founded in our early experiences of reliability. Early on, when people said they would do something, did they do the thing? Or acknowledge the agreement?"
On trust and safety -
“We can't really do trust if we're not in a safe place. I'm not thinking about trust and intimacy if we're in an earthquake... ...because I am just trying to keep my body safe. And if I have a history of trouble with safety it's going to be hard to work on trust with other people."
"Creating a space of non-judgment reinforces a sense of safety in relationships."
On boundaries and trust -
“If our agreements aren't clear it can be easy to break trust even without intention or without malice. Because I am not following through on agreements you think we have it's easy to break them. And a lot of times we're not very clear about our agreements."
"We often think or just assume we have the same expectation, lived experiences and we have the same wants and needs because we think it's "normal" because it's what we see in other people. And what's normal to me may not be the same for you."
"There is an idea that boundaries are what keeps people out but I like to think about boundaries are what keeps me safe."
On personal accountability -
"If we don't have a way of taking accountability in relationships there's no way to reinforce boundaries or reliability."
"It doesn't feel very sexy to nag someone or be nagged or to micromanage or be micromanaged."
On self-trust -
"Some of this is an internal process, like when I think about boundaries, reliability, and accountability I have to ask, how reliable am I to myself? How much do I respect my boundaries? How much do I own my own shit? How much do I own my contribution to things?"
"It's hard to trust other people if I don't trust myself."
"When our trust is broken it's not just hard to trust the other person, but it's like 'how did I not know? ...and feeling like I can't trust myself is so painful."
"Follow through is the only way to demonstrate reliability. It takes time to build trust because I can make all these promises and do like five good things... and you're going to have to do five good things every day for a while to build back trust."
On sex and trust -
"Sometimes people underestimate how sexy trust is and how having that trust allows us to open fully in a way sexually that can be so exciting and so wild. Sometimes we think of sex as boring old married couples who are predictable and stable, but if I know you will be here and witness me and I can show up fully the possibilities are endless."
"If my body doesn't feel safe I may not be able to have certain physical experiences that I want to have."
Watch this video with a notebook and ask yourself:
How have I contributed to trust in each of these areas? How have I helped erode trust in each of these areas?
Or, look at how have you built, repaired, or eroded trust in your past relationships- to help you avoid carrying these patterns forward in your next relationship.
Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sexuality counselor and communication consultant specializing in healthy boundaries, passionate relationships, jealousy, and infidelity. She supports non-traditional couples all over the world as a retreat leader and certified relationship coach.
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Julie Jeske, LPC is a sex and relationship counselor. She has a private practice where she helps clients increase intimacy, ignite passion and deepen their connection to themselves and others. Julie especially loves to help women discover who they are sexually. Through counseling, online classes, or in-person retreats; her clients learn how to talk about their sexual and relationship desires, and explore ways to make them a reality.
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