Does Marriage Counseling Work?

"Can counseling actually save my marriage" is an incredibly important question given the investment required as you enter therapy. Aside from spending money and time, for an hour a week you'll have to sit down in front of a stranger and have hard, vulnerable conversations. Counseling can feel like the last chance to save a love that was supposed to last a lifetime.

There's great news, though: couples therapy, done right, helps about 70% of couples fix communication problems, become friends again, spark new closeness and intimacy, and restore lost trust. And even better news: there is a lot you can do to make sure that you're in that 70%.

There are two main ways to make sure you're setting yourselves up for success in couples therapy: choosing a therapist with the right training and style, and being sure you're putting in the effort to make therapy work.

How To Find a Couples Therapist

Couples therapy, counseling, or coaching can do more harm than good when conducted by a poorly-trained professional. Generally, you want to look for a therapist who has extensive training in a specific couples-therapy modality. Three approaches that I've seen clients have the most success with are Gottman Method Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Imago Therapy.

Gottman Method Therapy

Starting with a deep evaluation of your relationship's strengths and areas of growth, Gottman therapists engage clients in learning communication skills that help you move through conflict and get to resolution and understanding. For clients who feel comforted by a more structured session, and who want to learn the specific processes that lead to a better relationship, this can be a good therapy to try.

Emotionally Focused Therapy

For couples more interested in understanding each other's emotional responses, EFT can be a good fit. The focus of this therapy is building a stronger emotional connection and attunement to each other as the means of improving the relationship. It tends to be less structured and skills-focused than Gottman Method.

Imago Therapy

A strong relationship can heal old wounds, and Imago therapists are experts at engaging clients in understanding and changing the relationship patterns they carried with them from childhood. For clients who feel ready to dive into the attachment and parenting they experienced in their childhood, and to understand the impact those experiences have on their adult relationship, Imago's guided conversations can be a good fit.

Whatever modality you choose, I recommend finding a therapist who is open to doing a one-on-one session with each of you. At the start of treatment, there can be conversations that are hard to have with your partner, as well as pain points that are hard to discuss in front of them, that the therapist should know about. I also like to meet with clients one-on-one to build a connection and relationship with each of them as people. Couples therapy is hard work, and it helps to know your therapist has your back as you talk about hard and personal topics.

How can you make couples therapy successful?

Some couples come into counseling ready to blame each other for their problems: "fix my partner and fix them fast!" When pain and resentment build up, and when trust is lost, we can feel trapped in a cycle of negativity toward the person who's supposed to love us most.

What therapists find, though, is that blame is a big obstacle to overcome in helping clients learn how to talk to each other with understanding and kindness.

Clients who are ready for the hard work of couples therapy come in open to a more balanced perspective: you want your partner to make some real changes – and you know you have some changing to do yourself. The couples who I see make the fastest, most lasting progress are the ones who start with some specific goals in mind.

How to prepare for couples therapy

• Decide on your goals going into therapy – together. Schedule an hour to sit down with your partner. Ask each other: if we had a magic wand, what changes would we make in our marriage? What are some of the wonderful things that we want to keep – or bring back if they've gotten lost? What is our dream for what things will look like when we're done with therapy? What are we willing to change in ourselves to make those dreams come true? It's okay if you don't have all the answers to all these questions. Even just taking the time to reflect on them will set you up for a more successful therapy experience.

Taking time to connect and discuss relationship goals is an essential first step

• Know the pain points in your relationship. What do you most struggle to communicate about? Psychologists John and Julie Gottman have found that some of the common subjects that come up over and over again for couples include money, parenting, in-laws, sex and intimacy, how to have fun together, broken trust or infidelity, and fighting or disagreeing fairly.
• Prepare to be fully honest. Are there things that are hard to say in front of your partner that the therapist should know about? How will you find a way to let the counselor know that important information? If you come into therapy while holding secrets that are important for your partner to know, you could end up spending money, time, and effort treating the wrong things.

Another way to make therapy more effective is to get into the mindset of "being in therapy all the time." The two of you are IN THERAPY right now: it's not just something you do for an hour every week, it's a chapter of your lives together. Change everything about how you communicate. Change your entire mindset about the relationship. You're building something new together, and that takes constant work.

How to get the most out of therapy

• Go to therapy every week. Having a regular cadence will get you good momentum in building new skills and becoming more attuned to each other.
• If you need to miss a week, set aside an hour to meet and talk to each other anyway. Make it fun – make it a date! Go for a walk, or coffee, or dinner. Stay away from harder subjects, if you prefer, but find a time to ask each other questions and really listen to the answers.

Regular connection time, even just a few minutes daily, strengthens your therapeutic progress

• Try to find connection time every day, even in a busy schedule. A lot of relationship disconnection stems from growing distance that arises from busy-ness: parenting, work schedules, business travel, and time-intensive hobbies (sports like golf or long-distance cycling), can all interfere with our ability to just be with our partner. But if you're deliberate and intentional about connecting – phones down, with eye contact and physical touch, for even five minutes – you're going to feel more connected and attuned to each other.

And my final piece of advice: refuse to accept failure. Be deliberate. If your partner is the love of your life, if you are theirs, then you owe it to each other to do everything you can to make it work. Here are a few strategies to help with a "we don't accept failure" approach to therapy:

• Address a lack of progress with your therapist. If you've realized you're not making progress toward your goals, go ahead and address that head-on with your therapist in the next session. "We've noticed we're not making progress in the way we wanted from therapy, and we'd like to discuss that today." Don't worry for one second about insulting your therapist or hurting their feelings! Therapists are trained to receive feedback from clients – indeed, it is often the only way we know that something isn't going right in treatment.
• Change therapists if the problem persists. If you're noticing that sessions aren't helping, it's time to make a change. This also gives you an opportunity to try a different treatment modality than your past therapist used. Sometimes a different therapy model, or even just a personality change from one therapist to the next, makes all the difference.
• Take a pause from therapy to address an individual issue. Is one partner struggling with depression or alcohol abuse? Sometimes there's an issue that needs to be addressed one-on-one for couples therapy to move forward. Set a date to return for a check-in with your couples therapist in a few months to see if you're ready to restart the work.
• Check in with each other about whether there's anything else you can do to make therapy effective. Do you both feel like you're giving the work the attention it deserves? Are you coming prepared for therapy sessions, taking time to get into the right mindset to better hear your partner and to help them hear you? See if you can change your strategy and "lean in" to any missing area of growth.

Best of luck as you start this new era of your life. I'm excited for you to learn new ways to delight in your partner, and to help them see you in the way you deserve to be seen. The work is hard, but it is an incredibly worthy goal to work toward a deep and joy-filled love.