Should I Get a Divorce? Free Quiz to Help You Decide

Q: How do I know if I am just going through a phase?

Marital satisfaction follows a U-shaped curve and fluctuates over time. A phase is typically linked to external stressors like job loss, grief, or a new baby. A more definitive end is often marked by emotional flatness, a state where you no longer care enough to argue, and you have lost the ability to recall positive memories. Clinicians refer to this as the absence of positive sentiment override.

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Methodology & Limitations

This assessment is grounded in the Dyadic Adjustment Scale and Dr. John Gottman's research on divorce predictors (the "Four Horsemen"). While it effectively measures marital distress and emotional detachment, it is a self-report screening tool for educational purposes only. It does not replace professional diagnosis or couples counseling.

Scientific Sources

Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes. (Primary framework for the "Four Horsemen" indicators).

Scott, S. B., Rhoades, G. K., et al. (2013). Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention. Journal of Family Issues. (Data on lack of commitment and infidelity).

Spanier, G. B. (1976). Measuring Dyadic Adjustment: New Scales for Assessing the Quality of Marriage. (Clinical basis for measuring satisfaction).

Hawkins, A. J., et al. (2012). Divorce Ideation and Marital Stability. (Research on ambivalence and decision-making processes).

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How Scoring Works

The test uses a 5-point Likert scale ranging from Disagree (1) to Agree (5).

Total Score 20-100: Responses are summed to evaluate relationship viability.

Interpretation: Higher scores indicate a critical presence of "divorce predictors" (such as contempt, stonewalling, or loss of intimacy) and suggest a higher readiness for separation.

The Science of Decision: Clarity vs. Ambivalence

If you feel stuck in a loop of indecision, please know you are not alone. Research published in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage (Doherty et al., 2011) indicates that roughly 25 to 30% of individuals filing for divorce still hold a belief that their marriage could be saved and experience significant ambivalence.

From a psychological standpoint, decisional ambivalence is distinct from simply being unhappy. It often stems from a conflict between attachment bonds and current pain. Studies consistently show that "low-conflict" marriages, where there is no abuse or screaming but a profound "emotional divorce" or quiet desperation, are the hardest to leave.

Here is what we want you to take away from this: uncertainty is not necessarily a sign that you should stay, nor that you should go. It is often a signal that you have not yet exhausted your options, such as Discernment Counseling, or fully processed the grief of a potential separation.

The "Four Horsemen": Predicting Divorce Accuracy

This assessment draws on the framework established by Dr. John Gottman, whose longitudinal research allows for divorce prediction with up to 93.6% accuracy. Gottman identified four specific negative communication patterns that, when chronic, signal a relationship is in the cascade toward dissolution:

Criticism: Attacking your partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior.
Contempt: Shows up as sarcasm, cynicism, and disrespect. In our clinical experience, and according to the research, this is the single strongest predictor of divorce.
Defensiveness: Self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or playing the victim.
Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the interaction and shutting down emotionally.

All couples argue. That is healthy. But couples who thrive, what Gottman calls "Master" couples, maintain a positive-to-negative interaction ratio of 5:1. When these Four Horsemen become permanent residents in your home, the relationship enters a state of high risk.

The Reality Check: Children and Regret

Two of the biggest fears we hear from clients are the impact on children and the fear of regret. The research offers a nuanced reality.

For the kids: Research consistently shows that children fare worse when parents stay in high-conflict marriages than when they divorce. However, in low-conflict marriages where parents are unhappy but civil, divorce can be more confusing and damaging to children. This is one of the most difficult truths we share with our clients.

The regret factor: According to the 2016 Avvo Annual Relationship Study, 27% of women and 32% of men express regret after their divorce. Regret is significantly higher among those who divorced to "escape" uncomfortable emotions rather than moving toward a clear new life, or those who felt they did not try everything, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy, before signing papers.

Frequently Asked Questions About Divorce

Over our years of practice, we have noticed that many clients come to me with the same core questions. Below are the ones we hear most often, along with what the research and our clinical experience suggest.

What if I am still unsure after taking the test?

That is completely normal. Ambivalence is a psychological state, not a final answer. If you scored in the high-risk category but feel hesitant, you may be a candidate for Discernment Counseling. Unlike traditional couples therapy which aims to "fix", this short-term approach helps couples decide whether to work on the marriage or move toward divorce with clarity and confidence.

Can a marriage survive infidelity?

Yes. Research indicates that while infidelity is a trauma, it is not an automatic dealbreaker. Couples can recover if they engage in trauma-informed therapy. However, recovery requires the betraying partner to be fully transparent and willing to rebuild trust over months or years. If the Four Horsemen (especially contempt) are present alongside infidelity, reconciliation becomes significantly harder.

Is emotional distance enough of a reason to leave?

Emotional distance can be a symptom of burnout, depression, or an avoidant attachment style rather than a lack of love. Before deciding divorce is inevitable, it is crucial to screen for personal mental health issues. If the distance is caused by clinical depression, treating the individual often restores the feeling of connection in the marriage. We have seen this happen many times.

Does a trial separation actually work?

It depends on the structure. Clinical observations suggest a reconciliation rate of 40 to 50% for couples who enter a separation with clear ground rules and continue therapy. However, unstructured separations often drift into permanent divorce. A trial separation should have a defined timeline, typically 3 to 6 months, and specific goals for personal reflection.

How do I know if I am just going through a phase?

Marital satisfaction follows a "U-shaped" curve and fluctuates over time. A phase is typically linked to external stressors like job loss, grief, or a new baby. A more definitive end is often marked by emotional flatness, a state where you no longer care enough to argue, and you have lost the ability to recall positive memories. Clinicians refer to this as the absence of positive sentiment override.

What are the first steps if I decide to proceed?

If you have clarity, the next steps should be protective of your mental health and family dynamic.

Therapeutic support: Individual therapy is vital to process grief and avoid repeating patterns in future relationships.

Mediation: For low-conflict separations, mediation is less adversarial and costly than litigation.

Co-parenting planning: Prioritize creating a stable narrative for your children, emphasizing that the divorce is an adult decision and not their fault.

Content Integrity & Clinical Standards

Curated by: TherapyDen Editorial Team

Review Process: This content reflects clinical experience supported by established psychological frameworks. Every statistic cited is derived from the peer-reviewed sources listed below.

Do I Want a Divorce Quiz? The Psychologist-Backed Assessment