“Swoon” Show Notes: Episode #43 – It Ain’t Me Babe: Compassionate Divorce

Jeff Guenther, MS, LPC on Jan 05, 2020 in Swoon

It’s hard to find models of compassionate divorce or conscious uncoupling in a world that often portrays one partner as the victim and the other as a villain after a couple splits up.

On today’s podcast, Gina and Julie talk about the considerations couples go through when they decide to part ways lovingly.

This episode covers:

  • Why more people are considering compassionate divorce and conscious uncoupling
  • Why it’s hard to forge a less traditional path
  • What kinds of information to gather to help you make a solid decision
  • How to avoid making fear-based decisions
  • How to deal with the hard emotions that come up in divorce so you can stay connected
  • What to do when you have kids and you’re splitting up
  • How to manage a process that isn’t ugly

                                Memorable Quotes

                                “If you are looking at a legal split- this is a big deal- don’t hesitate to get legal advice and information."

                                “There’s nothing wrong with getting expert information so you can make an informed decision. Often more information gives us more opportunities to be creative.”

                                “The majority of people who enter marriage don’t think ‘one day I’ll get divorced.’ It’s not on people’s radar. There’s a lot of judgment, guilt, shame, and fear around it.”

                                “Lots of people think ‘this is gonna destroy my everything.’ and the truth is, people are getting divorced all the time and making it through and doing okay. It doesn’t mean it’s easy, but people make it through and sometimes are even better on the other side.”

                                “There are so many possibilities to how you go through it.”

                                “There’s still a break-up, it’s still painful for many people. In a painful place, I may not be able to generate lots of ideas from that place. Consulting with a professional can help you find new options.”

                                “There are times you can’t have a collaborative divorce. There could be serious betrayal, abuse or dishonesty. Both people aren’t always capable of it and it’s not always safe.”

                                “Even collaborative divorces that work out still involve intense sad emotions and hard feelings.”

                                “Compromise sucks sometimes.”

                                “Divorce doesn’t have to be a failure. Sometimes staying in a relationship where you’re not being met, or seen, or respected- that it the failure.”

                                “Sometimes it takes a while to let all of this get sorted out. Sometimes our agreements need to be revisited.”

                                    Resouces from the Podcast

                                    SWOON: Break Up Episode

                                    Conscious Uncoupling, Katherine Woodward Thomas

                                    Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay, Mira Kirshenbaum

                                    Action Steps

                                    Get clear about your personal values. How can you align your behaviors to those values through the process of splitting up?

                                    Consider re-shaping your wedding vows. What promises are you still able to make and reliably follow through on with each other? What commitments, agreements, and promises are you making together as you move forward? What is the new pact you are making to each other?

                                    Create a compassionate shared vision of the future. What do you want your partnership, friendship, or co-parenting relationship to look like ten years from now? Develop a picture in your mind of what specific life events and rituals will look like in detail.

                                    You can find a therapist at TherapyDen.

                                        Your Swoon hosts

                                        Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sexuality counselor and communication consultant specializing in healthy boundaries, passionate relationships, jealousy, and infidelity. She supports non-traditional couples all over the world as a retreat leader and certified relationship coach.
                                        Connect with Gina

                                        Julie Jeske, LPC is a sex and relationship counselor. She has a private practice where she helps clients increase intimacy, ignite passion and deepen their connection to themselves and others. Julie especially loves to help women discover who they are sexually. Through counseling, online classes, or in-person retreats; her clients learn how to talk about their sexual and relationship desires, and explore ways to make them a reality.
                                        Connect with Julie

                                        Jeff Guenther is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Portland, OR.

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