Most long-lasting couples end up in some kind of sexual routine and lots of them ultimately find themselves in a sexual rut. They can feel uninspired, bored, disconnected or generally un-sexy and that’s where it can become a problem.
In today’s podcast Julie and Gina focus on the ways couples end up in a sexually stuck place and a few ways you can break out of routines that no longer serve you.
On why you got in a rut in the first place -
“There’s nothing wrong with having a few go-tos… and for people who are feeling stuck or uninspired with that it’s good to have ways to expand your routine.“
“We create a routine because it works for us we find something that works and we’re like‘I want to do this again because I want to feel this way again’ so we keep repeating and keep repeating and keep repeating it.”
“We do what works because it feels safe, we know if we do it this way we’ll maintain orgasm and we fear if we change it we’ll lose everything.”
“It feels so stuck and people feel shame around it, like it means they’re boring or not sexy or not inspired. You can get sucked into that energy and get sucked into a hold of gloom about it.”
“Sometimes we fall into routine to protect ourselves from vulnerability… our routine instead of supporting connection protects us from that vulnerability.”
“There is nothing wrong with having fantasy or desire or wanting to try something new.”
“Sometimes a desire or idea lands on our partner like a request. You can run to a place of request and start implementation and problem solving and miss the opportunity to honor the vulnerability of my bringing it up.”
“Sometimes people have ideas but they’re afraid to share what’s outside the routine. And sometimes they’re like ‘I don’t even know what we would do differently. This represents what sex is for me and I don’t know what else is out there.”
“You may not be into the most extreme ends of BDSM Play but you might want to be nibbled on or even whipped cream play could be something you’re interested in…. so this list is great to spark ideas EVEN IF BDSM isn’t something you consider part of your interest.”
Have a conversation with your lover about things you want to try during sex. A full list of things you’d be interested in doing if your partner was down right now.
These things can be very simple: lights on instead of off, undressing each other, etc not the most intimidating fantasies you have. Only include things you’re both on board and ready for.
Cut the list into strips of paper and put them into a container for inspiration in the moment.
So if you find yourself lacking inspiration in the moment of trying to initiate sex with your partner you pull one of these slips of paper out and do it.
Sexy Bucket List
Any items from your seduction bowl that take more time, preparation, or learning put on a sexy bucket list so if there is a day when you have more time to prepare or plan for an act you can do it with due diligence.
Gina Senarighi, MS, MA, CPC is a sexuality counselor and communication consultant specializing in healthy boundaries, passionate relationships, jealousy, and infidelity. She supports non-traditional couples all over the world as a retreat leader and certified relationship coach.
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Julie Jeske, LPC is a sex and relationship counselor. She has a private practice where she helps clients increase intimacy, ignite passion and deepen their connection to themselves and others. Julie especially loves to help women discover who they are sexually. Through counseling, online classes, or in-person retreats; her clients learn how to talk about their sexual and relationship desires, and explore ways to make them a reality.
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